The Thing About Mum

For some reason that Windowlicker song makes me nauseous whenever I listen to it... Is Aphex Twin haunting my Walkman? O_O


Just as I suspected, Nick's ear looks like shit. It was practically purple (perfect for tomorrow :P) since he obviously didn't clean it well. I'm bringing in the bottle of solution for him tomorrow for sure. Since it's an awfully pretty earring, and on the right, too.

He's awfully fond of me ever since I said yes to him. He even invited me to sleep over in Friday night, though the folks surely won't let me. But we may consider an after school visit. Though I can't totally confirm it with mum yet... After our talk.

"So what's going on, Christian?"
Just cut to the chase mum.
"Not much, mum..."
"What about this boyfriend? You know what I told you about not dating until you're 16."
"And you know that I told you I wasn't going to follow that rule. I listen to every single rule you make. But I get to decide the rules on this one, mum. I at least want some freedom."
"Well that just isn't happening in this house. You're just not mature enough."
"You know just how fucking mature I am. Maturity isn't measured by age, mum. Age is just a number."
"I just don't want you dating right now. It's just gonna be a distraction."
"Alright, I want one legitimate reason how it's a distraction." And mum just stayed quiet. "You see, you don't have any reason!"
"No!You're gonna be so preoccupied with this person and your friends that you won't be able to focus on your schoolwork."
"So, basically, I'm not allowed to have any sort of social life at all now?"
"No... There's gonna be a lot of people in your life, and I don't want you committing to one person right now."
"There really is no other way of going about those things mom. I won't ever commit to anyone if you won't let me."

The conversation over Nick drifted into the matters of me not being open to her...

"Look, mum, I know you want me to tell you what's going on in my life but--"
"I do!"
Tears were beginning to well up in my eyes. "That's just it! You're too clingy. You try so hard to know what I'm up to that I have to try and get away from you!"
I could see mum's eyes glistening as well now. "But you never tell me when you're having problems with other people which makes me worry!"
"But that's because there aren't any problems! In case you haven't noticed, I have absolutely zero enemies! everything has been just fine!"
"But how would you handle a problem if someone was giving you crap?"
"I'd tell the guidance office. If someone was trying to hurt me, I'd hit them so I could get away from them. I may have never been in a fight, but I can still throw a pretty freaking mean punch."

And then she has the gall to question my sexuality!...

"I just want you to be sure--"
"Stop! What do you mean by that?"
"Well, when you were 13 you told me you were sure you liked boys. But every time before that you were certain you liked girls."
I was ready to burst into tears now. "That's because I was fucking brainwashed into thinking that by those total dickholes I called my friends!" I waved my hand toward the window to represent the direction of the neighborhood boys I hung out with for the first 12 years of my life.
"Does Damien even know?"
"Probably. But if he does he probably doesn't care enough to talk to me since I basically cut myself off from my so-called "friends"... They didn't call or anything. Because they really never gave a shit about me."
"Even Max and Yuki?"
"Please. They worshiped Damien. Especially Max. And after that I actually had no friends at all. When I ate lunch, I was just looking for an open seat, let alone with people."
"And then you befriended 7th graders?"
"Yeah, Venus and Amanda. And that basically spread out to more friends."

Then she pointed out a certain topic...

"You know I worry about you. What with things like HIV and AIDS and--"
"Please... don't fucking say that..."
"I'm just saying you never know who you might be sleeping with and--"
"You can get it from anyone!"

"I just worry about you kids. All of you. If I don't know what you're doing I think the worst things possible and suspect something happened. The last thing I want is to bury one of you before I die."
"That's why we take the extra measures to make sure we are safe, mum. Locking the doors, having our cell phones, keeping an ear out when you're not home..."
"But when you don't answer your phones I get paranoid."
"You can't always expect us to pick up, mum. If we're busy doing something we're not gonna notice our phone's ringing. I call you all the time and you never pick up!"
"Yeah but I always check back." No you don't! I have to keep calling!
"Look. You raised us to be as safe and precautious as we can be. You have to be able to trust us at some point."

We continued to talk about her motherly instinct to always worry about her kids. And I had to tell her that there are somethings that she just can't do to control us. Like our personal lives and relations with other people. We can't be on a leash forever because when we finally do leave we won't come back so she can tie us up again.

It also drifted into how my dad is so stubborn that he won't be able to convince. And how he constantly asserts school as our number one priority. Which, we all know, is just so we won't need him to get into college because he can't afford even one year for any of us. And when we don't do well in school he yells and screams the same old shit about us doing shit wrong when we maybe just need a little help. Then when he yells at us for not coming to him, he doesn't realize that we don't come to him because we know how he is about schoolwork. And you know what? I'm not gonna be afraid to tell him that when he does start the fireworks.


So to wrap up today, my mom never allowed me to have a boyfriend, but she never said no either. So in that case the choice is up to me. *DING* And I hope I got the message to her that I demand freedom in my life, and the reason why I don't talk to her about my problems is because there aren't any.

I really hope she got something about me out of this. I know I got something out of her.

Live.