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School was a lazy copy/paste (with a bit of editing) of yesterday. Tomorrow will be different since we’re shifting in exploratory. I’m going to graphic design, which might be what I want to major in now that I think about it. But don’t tell daddy, it’ll crush his dreams of me doing everything better than he did even though that’s not hard to do. Oooh… a shot right in the self-esteem.
Sorry, dad even though you won’t read this. Anyway, after school I actually took the time to sit down with my mom to talk about things, even though that goes against everything a teenager is supposed to do. It started with her telling me how pissed of my dad was about how I can put Dr. Pepper in the fridge and not Diet Caffeine Free Pepsi or “water” as I call it. She then told me how was trying to shop for clothes for me, but couldn’t find anything I would like. She explained that she had help from the store drones and her friend Kim.
“Well he wears black…”
That’s basically all there was to it. And apparently black was out of the question. During the time Kim asked, “Is Christian gay?” Apparently word got to her, not surprising, and she just wanted to confirm with her. As it turns out, just about all the boys in her family were gay. Which led to her offering to take me shopping with her. I don’t even like the idea of shopping in general, let alone with someone I hardly know. And well… It obviously has something to do with my sexuality so there will obviously be talk about it. But maybe that would be good. I politely declined.
My mom also mentioned me being an atheist, to which she mentioned that Kim’s church was supportive of homosexuality. Struck a nerve there. But I explained that that was only one reason. And I said that it was the fact that there is no proof that he exists, and there are at least theories that make more sense than a conveniently invisible being that created everything “just because”. And I assured to her that I at least try to be respectful of other people’s beliefs since I’m not right either. I live off of facts, I told her. And since neither side has reasonable enough facts, I stand undecided.
“Wow.” All she said.
We also talked of what I was like as a child. How I wasn’t gifted in academics like my brother, or silly like one f my sisters, but I was rebellious. I hated being handled by someone else as a baby, only my mother. I could find amusement with even the littlest possibilities. And I was impatient for anything. Plus I was good at hiding from people. It was because I was always able to predict and avoid the obvious, and I still do these days. Which is was makes me more of a thought-provoking person. Thinking outside the box to the point where I took the receipt and returned it.
After our chat I went upstairs and went online where I got a message form a guy I talk to back and forth. He asked we if there was someone who affected me majorly in my life. Since I can’t rewrite it better, here is my reply:
A person who affected me. I thought hard and realized that it was my best friend I had since before I was in school. He was, and is not a very good kid. His life is based around humor and since he’s a white, catholic, straight male there’s nothing in the world that could offend him. He’s a troublemaker. And he was a leader. We were a group of 6 boys, and he made most of the decisions. And I followed him like the rest of them. But he was no role model. He was just the prettier face. He made me a homophobic, ignorant, ass. I would have always been gay had it not been for him and our friends.
It seems pretty mean to insult him like this but since even after puberty and maturing he hasn’t changed, I don’t feel as bad. He’s the same old kid he’s always been. If I hadn’t just stuck it to him and stopped hanging on to him like some 4 year old and his mommy, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Because after I left him, I was able to admit to myself I was gay, lose my childish attitude, and finally have a shred of independence.
The thing is he was the only boy I was friends with. I never bothered to befriend anyone else because I thought I only needed him. Once I was myself, I was a wreck. I didn’t talk to anyone and became a loner, I cried way too much and I still do, and I am very blunt and heartless with others. Fucked me up real good.
After I admitted I was gay I thought back at him. It crossed my mind that maybe I loved him. But no. I had never thought of him in that way. All he was was a failed chapter in my life. We don’t talk anymore. In fact it seems we try not to notice each others existence. But I’m fine with that. I don’t need him and I regret not being myself from the beginning.
Now maybe I did sound angry and maybe a bit over the brim. Maybe I was just frustrated since I never thought about how he shaped me until now. And yes of course a lot of it is my fault, but if I blamed everything on myself I’d be depressed. So now I just have little tolerance for others and again, am very blunt. I’m the kind of guy who can tell a kid there’s no Santa Claus and not even feel any sort of emotion or guilt on breaking their spirits.
So as a conclusion of today’s evaluation, I am one fucked up kid. But I’m also right (mostly). Goodnight everyone!
Live. Not a typo.
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